Relations with a non-Bahá'í spouse

Getting married

• Marriage with non-Bahá'ís

During marriage

The worship of one spouse for another could prevent them from seeking admittance into the Kingdom (though they cannot prevent the other)

"You have asked whether a husband would be able to prevent his wife from embracing the divine light or a wife dissuade her husband from gaining entry into the Kingdom of God. In truth neither of them could prevent the other from entering into the Kingdom, unless the husband hath an excessive attachment to the wife or the wife to the husband. Indeed when either of the two worshippeth the other to the exclusion of God, then each could prevent the other from seeking admittance into His Kingdom."

(`Abdu'l-Bahá, from a Tablet-translated from the Arabic, in Family Life (compilation), no. 24)

Need for recognition of right of each spouse to their own beliefs (not to force the other)

"It seems to him that just as you leave your husband free to believe or not to believe in whatever pleases him, he should accord you the same rudimentary privilege. Surely the right to worship God in the way one believes to be right is the greatest fundamental freedom in the world?..."

(From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, September 22, 1948, in Lights of Guidance, no. 745)

"As regards your husband's attitude towards the Cause...Under no circumstances should you try to dictate and impose upon him by force your personal religious convictions."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 23 July 1937 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 53)

"It is one of the essential teachings of the Faith that unity should be maintained in the home. Of course this does not mean that any member of the family has a right to influence the faith of any other member; and if this is realized by all the members, then it seems certain that unity would be feasible."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 6 July 1952 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 79)

"...your husband has no right to ask you to give up being a Bahá'í. That is going too far. Nobody should trespass on the sacred bond every human being has a right to have with their Creator."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 20 April 1957 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 92)

"He would not advise you to in any way force the teachings on your husband, but rather through prayer, love and example attract his heart to what he will be forced to see has not only made you a happier person but a better wife and mother than ever before. It is often most difficult to teach those nearest to us, but the Guardian will earnestly pray that your husband and children will join you in serving this wonderful Cause."

(From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer: High Endeavours, Messages to Alaska, pp. 72-73)

"It is difficult when one has found what one knows is the truth, to sit by and see a dear and close relative completely blind to it. The temptation is to try and "stir them up and make them see the light", but this is often disastrous. Silence, love and forbearance will win greater victories in such cases."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 20 April 1957 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 92)

Should be free to openly attend activities, but not to force the spouse to be constantly conscious of them, sometimes forgoing attending a Feast or meeting if the spouse wishes to be together for something

"...On the other hand no one should force one's own convictions on another and if Mr. ... objects to your Bahá'í affiliation you should carry on your activities not secretly, but not in such a way as to force him to be constantly conscious of them. In other words, you should, for his sake, sometimes forgo the pleasure of attending a Feast or meeting if there is something he wants you to do with him.

"The Guardian does not feel your daughter should deceive her father and not let him know she is a Bahá'í. She, like you, for his sake should be willing to sacrifice her attendance at meetings sometimes, but he cannot very well force her to not believe and accept what she holds to be the Truth for this Age!

"Every sincere believer in God must inevitably make some sacrifices, and, however heavy these may be, they are insignificant compared to the blessing of accepting Bahá'u'lláh. This is certainly true of dear Mr. ... who has suffered because of the firmness of his faith. We cannot bow to the blindness of the world; all we can do is to be tactful."

(From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, September 22, 1948, in Lights of Guidance, no. 745)

"As regards your husband's attitude towards the Cause...Neither should you allow his opposition to the Cause [to] seriously hinder your activities...."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 23 July 1937 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 53)

"The Guardian is, nevertheless, thankful that he does not object in principle to your attending Bahá'í meetings, and gives you full freedom to participate in all local Bahá'í activities. Even though he may insist on your obtaining his consent in such matters, you should not feel hurt or discouraged, but rather should continue, in a friendly and conciliatory way, to endeavour [to] win his sympathy towards the Cause. You can have no serious reason for any real grievance against him, unless he unduly interferes in your Bahá'í work, and prevents you from discharging your vital spiritual and administrative obligations towards the Faith.

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 5 August 1939 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 58)

"He was very sorry to see you are having trouble in your home because of the Bahá'í Faith. He feels that you should do all in your power to promote love and harmony between your husband and yourself, for your own sakes and for the sake of your children. You should, however, point out to him that every man is free to seek God for himself, and that, although you will never seek to influence him or even discuss the Bahá'í Faith with him, if he does not want to, he should leave you free to attend the meetings. The Guardian hopes that through patience, tact and prayer, you will gradually overcome his prejudice."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 16 March 1946 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 70)

Need to attend sufficiently and thoughtfully to one's duties to one's spouse/home (while also serving the Cause and avoiding becoming inactive)

"Surely Shoghi Effendi would like to see you and the other friends give their whole time and energy to the Cause, for we are in great need for competent workers, but the home is an institution that Bahá'u'lláh has come to strengthen and not to weaken. Many unfortunate things have happened in Bahá'í homes just for neglecting this point. Serve the Cause but also remember your duties towards your home. It is for you to find the balance and see that neither makes you neglect the other. We would have many more husbands in the Cause were the wives more thoughtful and moderate in their Bahá'í activities."

(From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, May 14, 1929: Family Life, A Compilation of the Universal House of Justice , in Lights of Guidance, no. 737)

"When such difference of opinion and belief occurs between husband and wife it is very unfortunate for undoubtedly it detracts from that spiritual bond which is the stronghold of the family bond, especially in times of difficulty. The way, however, that it could be remedied is not by acting in such wise as to alienate the other party. One of the objects of the Cause is actually to bring about a closer bond in the homes. In all such cases, therefore, the Master used to advise obedience to the wishes of the other party and prayer. Pray that your husband may gradually see the light and at the same time so act as to draw him nearer rather than prejudice him. Once that harmony is secured then you will be able to serve unhampered."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 15 July 1928 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 46)

Example of patience, love, tact, and prayers (and not trying to stir them up) may win over indifferent or even hostile non-Bahá'í relative eventually (and be good in and of itself)

"Not every one is ready to receive the Cause, but in every walk of life there are souls longing for this new Divine Outpouring, and sufficiently mature spiritually to accept it. The Bahá'ís, each according to his own opportunities, must seek out such people.

"The Guardian deeply regrets the hostile attitude of some members of your family towards the Cause you have arisen to serve, and he feels that you should do everything in your power to avoid antagonizing them--short, of course, of giving up your Faith and becoming inactive in it.

"As you cannot induce them to be interested in it, the best thing to do is what the Master always advised in such cases: leave them to themselves, and pray for them. The Guardian, you may be sure, will also pray for their illumination. Many people have, after bitterly opposing the Faith, been eventually won over by the patience, love, tact and prayers of their Bahá'í relative or friend."

(From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, October 14, 1943, in Lights of Guidance, no. 747)

"Thy wife is not in harmony with thee, but praise be to God, the Blessed Beauty is pleased with thee and is conferring upon thee the utmost bounty and blessings. But still try to be patient with thy wife, perchance she may be transformed and her heart may be illumined...."

('Abdu'l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Bahá, p. 121)

"Hold thy husband dear and always show forth an amiable temper towards him, no matter how ill-tempered he may be. Even if thy loving-kindness maketh him more bitter, manifest thou more kindliness, more tenderness, be more loving and tolerate his cruel actions and ill-treatment."

('Abdu'l-Bahá, from a Tablet-translated from the Persian, in Family Life, no. 33)

"I urge you to concentrate for a time upon whatever means you think will eventually secure the good-will, tolerance and sympathy of your husband. Show him the utmost kindness and consideration, and try, at the opportune moment to make him realize the purpose and spirit of the Faith. I will pray for the success of your efforts in this connection and wish you happiness from all my heart."

(In the handwriting of Shoghi Effendi, appended to a letter dated 20 March 1928 written on his behalf to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 44)

"I cannot refrain, out of my great love and sympathy for you, from adding a few words myself in order to impress upon you the necessity of showing continually the utmost regard, consideration and love to your dear and respected husband. I have great hopes that upon your attitude, and consideration for him will chiefly depend his ultimate acceptance of the Cause which you love so dearly and serve so well. My profound sympathy is with you in your domestic cares which I know weigh heavily on your heart. I will continue to supplicate for you from the very depths of my heart. I pray that you may achieve in your manifold activities your heart's fondest desire."

(In the handwriting of Shoghi Effendi appended to a letter dated 20 December 1928 written on his behalf to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 45)

"The Guardian wishes me specially to urge you to remain patient and confident, and above all to show your husband the utmost kindness and love, in return for all the opposition and hatred you receive from him. A conciliatory and friendly attitude in such cases is not only the duty of every Bahá'í but is also the most effective way of winning for the Cause the sympathy and admiration of its former foes and enemies. Love is, indeed, a most potent elixir that can transform the vilest and meanest of people into heavenly souls. May your example serve to further confirm the truth of this beautiful teaching of our Faith."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 6 December 1935 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 52)

"As regards your husband's attitude towards the Cause: unfriendly though that may be you should always hope that, through conciliatory and friendly means, and with wise, tactful and patient effort you can gradually succeed in winning his sympathy for the Faith....You should act patiently, tactfully and with confidence that your efforts are being guided and reinforced by Bahá'u'lláh."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 23 July 1937 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 53)

"The Guardian will pray in the meantime that your hopes of seeing him well confirmed and active in the Cause may be fulfilled, and that also you may be guided to adopt towards him such [a] true Bahá'í attitude as will serve to further awaken his sympathies for the Faith, and quicken the spiritual energies latent in his heart to the point of bringing about his full confirmation in the Cause. Rest assured, and confidently persist in your efforts."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 5 August 1939 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 58)

"...now that you both feel the sincere desire to unite in your efforts to make your married life happy, Shoghi Effendi advises you to do everything in your power, through love and kindness, to win your husband to your side and to remove his prejudice against the Cause."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 27 November 1941 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 62)

"She should certainly not grieve if she finds that her family are not receptive to the teachings — for not every soul is spiritually enlightened. Indeed, many members of the families of the Prophets themselves have remained unconverted even in face of the example and persuasion of the Manifestation of God; therefore, the friends should not be distressed by such things but rather leave the future of those they love in the hand of God, and by their services and devotion to the Faith, win the right to plead for their ultimate spiritual rebirth...."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 9 March 1942 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 63)

"Deep as are family ties, we must always remember that the spiritual ties are far deeper; they are everlasting and survive death, whereas physical ties, unless supported by spiritual bonds, are confined to this life. You should do all in your power, through prayer and example, to open the eyes of your family to the Bahá'í Faith, but do not grieve too much over their actions. Turn to your Bahá'í brothers and sisters who are living with you in the light of the Kingdom."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 8 May 1942 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 64)

"He will pray that the opposition of your husband and sister may be changed, through your own acts of love, kindness, and the patience and tolerance you show to them."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 20 March 1956 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 90)

"It is difficult when one has found what one knows is the truth, to sit by and see a dear and close relative completely blind to it. The temptation is to try and "stir them up and make them see the light", but this is often disastrous. Silence, love and forbearance will win greater victories in such cases."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 20 April 1957 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 92)

"As to your husband who, he is most sorry to hear, seems to be so antagonistic to the Cause, having fallen under the evil influence of Mr. ...: The Guardian wishes you to be patient with him, and to endeavour through loving kindness, wisdom and tact to enlist his consideration and sympathy for the Faith. However unfriendly his present attitude to the Cause may be, and no matter how seriously he may interfere in your activities as a believer, you should never lose hope of winning him to the Faith, nay even of guiding him to openly and actively assist you in your Bahá'í activities. With the unfailing help of Bahá'u'lláh and the example of your own conduct your task will assuredly be made easy and will be crowned with success."

(From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, October 15, 1939, in Lights of Guidance, no. 742)

Bahá'í spouse to demonstrate that the Faith is to increase unity in family

"As to thy respected husband: It is incumbent upon thee to treat him with great kindness, to consider his wishes and be conciliatory with him at all times, till he seeth that because thou hast directed thyself toward the Kingdom of God, thy tenderness for him and thy love for God have but increased, as well as thy concern for his wishes under all conditions."

(Abdu'l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Bahá, p. 122)

"Under such circumstances the Master used to ask the friends to be lavish in their love and become exceptionally obedient to their husbands. Such individuals have to see through acts that the Cause has not come to break up family ties but to strengthen them; it has not come to eliminate love but to strengthen it; it has not been created to weaken social institutions but to strengthen them."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 14 October 1928 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 47)

"He feels that, now that you have found the thing you were searching for inwardly, and have this added joy in your life of our glorious Faith, you should be kinder to your husband and more considerate than ever, and do everything in your power to make him feel that this has not taken you away from him, but only made your love for him, and your desire to be a good wife to him, greater. Whether he will ultimately be able to become a Bahá'í or not, is something that only time can tell; but there is no doubt where your duty lies, and that is to make him appreciate the fact that your new affiliation has not interfered in any way with his home life or his marriage, but, on the contrary, has strengthened both.

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 20 April 1957 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 92)

"In considering the problems that you and your wife are experiencing, the House of Justice points out that the unity of your family should take priority over any other consideration. Bahá'u'lláh came to bring unity to the world, and a fundamental unity is that of the family. Therefore, we must believe that the Faith is intended to strengthen the family, not weaken it. For example, service to the Cause should not produce neglect of the family. It is important for you to arrange your time so that your family life is harmonious and your household receives the attention it requires.

"Bahá'u'lláh also stressed the importance of consultation. We should not think this worthwhile method of seeking solutions is confined to the administrative institutions of the Cause. Family consultation employing full and frank discussion, and animated by awareness of the need for moderation and balance, can be the panacea for domestic conflict...."

(In a letter written by the Universal House of Justice, 1 August 1978 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 97)

"He would not advise you to in any way force the teachings on your husband, but rather through prayer, love and example attract his heart to what he will be forced to see has not only made you a happier person but a better wife and mother than ever before. It is often most difficult to teach those nearest to us, but the Guardian will earnestly pray that your husband and children will join you in serving this wonderful Cause."

(From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, High Endeavours, Messages to Alaska, pp. 72-73)

One may seek permission in donations, but should not cause disturbance in unity

"There is no limit to our offerings to the Temple. The more we give, the better it is for the Cause and for ourselves. But your case is a special one, since your husband is not a believer. If you can succeed in convincing him of the importance of your donations to the Cause, so much the better. But you should never oppose him on this matter and allow anything [to] disturb the peace and unity of your family life...."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 21 September 1933 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 51)

May need to make temporary (or permanent) sacrifices in not being too far away in teaching or going pioneering (as family have a right to spouse's love)

"While the Guardian highly appreciates your desire to take a more active part in the teaching field, he realizes also that in deference to the wishes of your husband, towards whom you have duties no less sacred and binding than those facing you as a believer, you should endeavour to so arrange your plans as not to be too far away from him, particularly as he himself is anxious that you should not break up, however temporarily, your home life."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 5 June 1939 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 57)

"He has noted with feelings of genuine admiration your longing to serve in the field of pioneer teaching, but is sorry to hear that your domestic circumstances do not permit you to carry out this dear wish of your heart.

"While he heartily appreciates your eagerness to labour for the Faith in distant and hitherto unopened territories, he feels that, in view of your husband's opposition, and also in consideration of the need of your children for your close help and guidance, you should, for the present, endeavour instead to work in virgin localities in the vicinity of ... or of the adjoining towns."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 7 November 1940 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 60)

"He feels you should by all means show your husband the greatest love and sympathy; if we are ever in any doubt as to how we should conduct ourselves as Bahá'ís we should think of `Abdu'l-Bahá and study His life and ask ourselves what would He have done, for He is our perfect example in every way. And you know how tender He was, and how His affection and kindness shone like sunlight on everyone.

"Your husband and your child have a right to your love, and give you a wonderful opportunity of demonstrating your faith in the Cause.

"Also you should pray to Bahá'u'lláh to help unite you with your husband and make your home a true and happy home."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 9 March 1946 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 69)

"He was very happy to hear of your desire to assist the pioneer work....

"He does not feel that your activities in this field, however, should be a source of inharmony between you and your dear husband, and he assures you he will pray for him in the Holy Shrines, that God may awaken him to a realization of the meaning of our Faith and quicken him in its service."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 30 April 1947 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 74)

"Your responsibility towards your son and your husband is very great, and the Guardian hopes your work will soon reach a point where you can return, at least for sometime, to them, and give them that love and encouragement which is a woman's great contribution to home life."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 5 August 1949 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 77)

"He was particularly pleased to hear your family relationships are so satisfactory, and feels you are doing the right thing by deferring to your husband's wishes and remaining abroad longer.

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 2 April 1950 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 78)

"The Guardian fully appreciates your desire to go forth as a pioneer at this time, and to help establish the Faith in the virgin areas, but you should not go against the wishes of your husband, and force him to give up everything in order that you might serve the Faith in this manner. We must bear in mind the wishes and the rights of those who are closely connected in our lives.

"If your husband wishes you to remain where you are, certainly there is a vast field for teaching there...."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 31 July 1953 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 82)

"He feels, in view of your husband's circumstances and feelings, and also considering that your two older children will naturally want to see you, and indeed should see you at times so that you can help them in their Bahá'í lives, that the wise thing for you to do is to pioneer with your husband somewhere in the States, where your services will be of the greatest value."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 29 July 1954 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 87)

Divorce

One cannot use service to the Cause as an excuse for divorce

"Shoghi Effendi wishes me to add this note in connection with your marriage: he does not feel that any believer, under any circumstances whatsoever, can ever use the Cause or service to it as a reason for abandoning their marriage; divorce, as we know, is very strongly condemned by Bahá'u'lláh, and only grounds of extreme gravity justify it...."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 7 April 1947 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 72)

"The Guardian has long felt that the American Bahá'ís are not, in some cases, living up to the ideal of marriage set forth by Bahá'u'lláh. They are prone to being influenced by the current light and selfish attitude of the people towards the marriage bond. Consequently when he sees you are successfully living up to the Bahá'í standard, putting your best into it and preserving this sacred tie you have with your husband, he is very happy indeed. He hopes you will be in a position to be an example to others. For he disapproves of the way some Bahá'ís, in the name of serving the Cause, disencumber themselves of their husbands, or go and get new ones!"

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 2 April 1950 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 78)

"With regard to your question as to your going out as a pioneer ... the Guardian feels, in view of the aversion of Bahá'u'lláh to divorce, that it is not right for a Bahá'í, even for the purpose of pioneering, to break up a marriage. He, therefore, urges you to endeavour with all your powers to become reconciled with your husband, as he considers this is more important than that you should go forth to a virgin territory to pioneer."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 27 August 1953 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 84)

"The Guardian, in view of the fact that your husband does not really wish to be separated from you, but on the contrary is desirous of keeping your marriage together, feels that you, as a Bahá'í, have no right to destroy it because of your desire to serve the Faith.

"Marriage is a very sacred institution. Bahá'u'lláh said its purpose is to promote unity. If the friends neglect, for the sake of the Cause, this institution, they place the Faith in a poor light before the public. In these days the people of the world are so immoral, and treat the marriage institution so lightly; and we, as Bahá'ís, in contrast to the people of the world, are trying to create a high moral standard, an reinstate the sanctity of marriage.

"If your husband will allow you to do a certain amount of teaching work, and occasionally to travel in the interests of the Faith, all the better; but he does not think the Faith should be made the thing which destroys your family life."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 6 June 1954 to an individual believer, in Family Life, no. 86)

"Wherever there is a Bahá'í family, those concerned should by all means do all they can to preserve it, because divorce is strongly condemned in the Teachings, whereas harmony, unity and love are held up as the highest ideals in human relationships. This must always apply to the Bahá'ís, whether they are serving in the pioneering field or not."

(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 9 November 1956 to the National Spiritual Assembly of Central America, in Family Life, no. 91)